It is what it is…

February is drawing to a close and I’m still not feeling it. A new year generally brings me so much hope, optimisim and major goal setting. This year, meh, not so much.

It’s not that I’m not optimistic, I so totally am, this year has many great things in store for me, but I’m just not feeling as gung ho as in years past. Last year I trained so hard and was so geeked for my race season, but again, this year, not so much.

I still enjoy racing and competing, I’m happy to do the training, but I think I just need to accept that this year is what it is and I should just go with it. Last year was a big year for me. A year of personal records, a first Olympic distance Tri, my first half marathon and a crazy busy race schedule.

Last year was big and maybe almost too much, I think this year will be my laid back season…no major hurdles, maybe not even any new PRs, just a fun race season. I just don’t want to force it, I don’t want to not enjoy what I’m doing.

So I finished my 2nd indoor tri of the season this morning. Its nice to do as a training tool, to see where I am with regards to speed and milage and give myself a feel for where I stand. I didn’t do better than last year, but I still had a good time and right now that’s what I need to be about!

In other news I had a psychic reading yesterday at a friends house. It was amazing how much she confirmed for me. Mostly stuff about repairs we need to make on our house and and hubby’s job, she was right on the money. She also confirmed I wasn’t getting what I needed from my mom, she didn’t go too far into what I needed to do about that, but I think I already know the answer to that. She spoke a little about my job and some of my other family and for the most part it was positive. Nothing life changing, but there was definitely stuff going on.

I guess that’s all for now!

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Can’t catch up!

I’m feeling so behind!! I figured this would happen in some way or another, but I’m feeling like me keeping my part time job is preventing me from getting other stuff done!! Okay, so it’s only 15 hours a week (or less) but geez, I feel so behind!

I usually do a pre-Christmas toy weed-out to make room for all the new stuff the boys get, but this year I didn’t get to do that until, hmm, last week? YIKES! Only a month late! I’m still trying to find time to clean out my closet, balance checkbook and file bills but it just isn’t happening people! I’m feeling a little overwhelmed trying to keep up with the day to day picking up, but to do anything on top of that just seems nuts!

It’s all about balance I guess and asking hubby for a little more help. He complains about the boys leaving their toys out but he has piles of crap everywhere! A computer box on the floor in the living room (been there for 3 days now), random accessory bags for said computer strewn on kitchen table (3 days), Boxes from new pillows (two weeks), piles of papers on piano and in another holding area (months), fleece on floor (4 days). Seriously sometimes I feel like I have 3 kids rather than 2!

In other news, I started my season with my first indoor Tri yesterday. There were 20 min allowed for each leg and I did 43 laps, 4.9 miles on bike, 1.74 mile run. Not too shabby! 9th of 15 in my age group and I just started training, so I feel pretty good about that.

Sore and tired today, I should maybe have taken the day off, but I felt like I needed to be at the gym to lift. I will likely be tired tomorrow and I hope I’m not coming down with a cold because I really do feel like running my  4 miler tomorrow. Which means a 6 miler on Sunday- Woo HOO! Haven’t run that far since October! Let’s see if my body lets me go that far though!

Actually I’m amazed with as little as I have done in the past 4 months, that I have come back relatively easily (mileage wise) in a month. Certainly not ready for a half-marathon or anything, but in another couple months, for sure! Woot! Now if only I could KEEP eating right to drop my weight! Such is my battle with food and emotions.

Speaking of running, I’ve been looking for new sports bras with no luck. Dicks didn’t have shit in my size. Just some weird contraption thingy that made my boobs look absolutely bizarre. Look people, just want something that’s comfortable that will keep me from knocking myself or anyone else out, okay? I don’t care if I get to keep my womanly figure, I’m training, not walking the catwalk in a fricking fashion show, got it? Keep my girls tamed and out of the way so I can run, jump, lift, cycle, twist or do whatever the hell else I want to do! Anyhoo, I found one at REI that’s okay, I can’t run in it well, it’s seems maybe not supportive enough. Maybe I’ll stick to that one on lift or cycle days. Picked up some absolutely worthless Champion ones the other day. Tried them on at home and they suck. Will be returning them tomorrow. Found the ones I like online at Amazon tonight and promptly bought 4 of them. It’s been a while and my old ones are stretched out and not holding together anymore. Will be SO happy when the new ones come in!

Speaking of running again, today I asked one of the trainers at my gym what kind of experiment they were trying out on us. He looked clueless and I mentioned that a few of the treadmills didn’t feel level. Even though the incline said zero, that I still felt as though I were running uphill and so had to do a negative incline to remedy it. He looked at me like I was crazy. Whatever. If I were the only one with that complaint then I might think I were crazy too, but I’m not. Also asked him why after an hour they force you on a cool down. He laughed at that one wondering why I would want to be on a treadmill for an hour or more. It takes me that long to run 5 miles unfortunately, and when I do six this week, it will take me an hour and 12 minutes or longer…I’d like to be faster but such is life right now. And I’m not one of those crazy die hards that run outdoors in 30 degree weather- NOPE. Maybe one day, but this year, not so much. Too fricking cold. 40’s- 50’s maybe, but 30’s? No thank you. So the treadmill wins until March/April or so!

In other, other news, I feel like marriages are falling apart all around me! Not mine, though in the wake of all this marital drama I can’t help but re-evaluate my happiness with my own relationship! It seems like everyone around me is in a funk and I’m still barely clawing my way out of my own funk. I’m almost feeling like I’m being dragged back down sometimes. Not that my friends are being “Debbie Downers” per se, but I just wonder if that is just the state of things right now. Like everything kind of compounding, the economy, the weather, etc. Who knows. I’m just trying to keep up people!

Took my 7 y0 kid to Urgent Care today. I’m just finishing getting dinner ready before I have to start getting ready for work and he comes in crying, blood pouring out his nose. He was wrestling with the neighbor kids in the yard and one did a somersault and kicked him right in the nose. OUch! It was swollen and bleeding so I figured we’d better head to the Dr. So I called into work saying I’d be at least a couple hours late, unless his nose was actually broken and then I wouldn’t be in at all.

Dr at Urgent Care was cool and really by the time we saw him, the swelling had gone down and it wasn’t bleeding. Plus it wasn’t really hurting anymore. So funny thing about it, was last year at this time, I had to take him in to the same Urgent Care thinking he might have a broken nose! Last time it was he and a different neighbor kid that were throwing chunks of ice on the ground and the one kid threw as my kid was bending over to pick one up. That time the ice cut the bridge of his nose and he still has a scar from it. It was bad, he looked like Rocky Balboa!

Anyhoo, I finished writing this last night, but for whatever reason it didn’t  save the whole thing and then when I tried to publish it wouldn’t! So I have no idea how I finished it yesterday…so I re-finish it now!

I was up too late last night and snoozed my alarm too many times that it shut off. It wasn’t until my 7 yo ran in my room saying, “It’s almost 8:30!” School starts at 8:40 btw. We were only a few minutes late and his super cool Principal waved him by with a knowing wink and a smile, so it was no big deal in the end, but I hate being late. ABSOLUTELY. HATE. BEING. LATE. So needless to say, that will never happen again!

Toying again with the idea of going to see a therapist. I feel like I got the exercise down, I know how to eat, but I don’t eat well regularly because I’m feeling stress and tension about my relationships. Hesitant to go though because I know we’ll have to pay out of pocket for it and with our trip coming up and still having to pay for my race season, I’m reluctant to want to do it before our trip in May. So I guess I’ll have to think on it some.

That’s all for now!

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boo effing hoo…

ARGH!!! So wishing I could tell my mom off right now. I won’t for two reasons…1) need her to watch the boys for one week of the two we’ll be gone in May and 2) because it won’t do any good.

In her mind I always put my MIL first, before her. No matter how I explain things, or show her how I really did have both of their needs in mind or even if the decision had more to do with what my family unit needed at that moment.

In her alternate reality she is such a vicitim, no one thinks of her, all bad things befall her, she is that last one picked or considered, boo fucking hoo. Never mind she has isolated herself from most people- family and friends because she has felt wronged by them and when they tried to tell their side of the story or explained why they felt she was perceiving things inaccurately, she cut them off.

So we’ve finally booked our flight for our upcoming cruise…something to be excited about right? NO. So I send our itinerary via e-mail to my mom and MIL stating that these are the dates we’ll be going and by the way MIL needs to take the first half of the two weeks because of her work schedule. My mom has no such restrictions, yet felt the need to make the comment, why does she always get to pick first? I was already at my limit for BS today so responded by saying “life just isn’t fair is it?” because it seems like when it comes to her, she thinks nothing is fair in her life.

She has much to be thankful for, yet for whatever reason is isn’t enough. I don’t think her life had turned out the way she wanted it to and now she’s turning into that bitter old lady…This could get ugly people.

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Getting less funky…

I’m not in the funk I was before, though I’m not totally out of it yet. I’ve been to the gym regularly for the past three weeks now and been eating right the past 2 1/2. I’m back down 13lbs, but still have a ways to go before I hit my all time low again. But I will get there!

I’ve finalized my race schedule, plus or minus a few races depending on how I’m feeling. So I may be slightly more motivated because of that. Two olympic races instead of one, but not so many total races and I’ve not committed to any 1/2 marathons, but if I feel up to it, then I’ll do them. So a toned down race season so I won’t burn out like I did last year!

Speaking of Triathlon race season, our team buy gets a great deal on wetsuits, so I was planning on getting one! Only problem is I looked at that site’s sizing chart and according to the chart, I need to be max 130lbs to fit. Okay, the only way I’d get that small is if I stop eating for the next three months. It’s not gonna happen. EVAH. So, my other option is to get a suit for a taller person where the weight ranges are higher. So then I wonder if the sleeves for arms/legs will be too long…maybe I can cut them??? Lots of questions to ask.

Also, if I hadn’t mentioned it before, our team suits are two pieces. Not like bikini, but like tankini, though the top is generally short and the shorts low cut so if there is any flab, it WILL be hanging out for all to see. YIKES. So I have lots of motivation to stick with my eating plan.

In other news, we finally booked our flight for our cruise in May. It seems so much more real now, it’s actually going to happen! We’ve planned out our first couple of days and I can’t wait for us and our friends to get together and plan the rest.

In the meantime, we have a wedding to go to in another couple of weeks, so I have to go buy a dress. Hoping I can find something nice that I like! Also have to try to figure out what to do about Tony’s birthday this week. He’s hardly given me any ideas and I’m not sure what to do. I guess I’ll figure something out.

That’s all for now!

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A week has passed…

… and I’m beginning to see things a little differently.

So this week was spent getting back into a gym and good eating routine, so I can get my body, my fitness, my health and my confidence back, not to mention my 9 minute mile and 1/2 body weight bench press and pull up. I was cranky and headachey due to the sugar withdrawal. Sore and at times in pain from tearing muscle fiber to build them back stronger and better.  These silly things were the toughest part of my week.

In the meantime…

My friend’s uncle lost his battle with cancer the day after he entered hospice…he was not old. Another friend lost someone to suicide…someone in their twenties. Another friend just got out of an abusive relationship and yet has to still battle on to be completely free. Another who makes bad decision after bad decision and can’t see past what they want in life to see how it affects others or take responsibilty for effing their own life up.

My point?

I have it pretty darn good and I am pretty darn thankful. Not that things aren’t effed up in my own life, there are things that aren’t so great. But for the most part, I have everything I need and most of the things I want. I have  food, shelter, love and hope; family, friends, health and happiness; drive, purpose, laughter and support. I have more than I could possibly post here, so it seems stupid and petty and ridiculous to complain about achey muscles and my weight loss drama or that I would like my own bathroom or to be able to park in my garage, when someone else is suffering with the loss of a loved one or relationship.

So I’ll skip my usual blather and ask that you be nice to the people you encounter. Because they may be going through something tough, like divorce, or a death, or depression or abuse or who knows what else…and they could really use some kinds words, or even a friendly smile.

Pay it forward people.

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Oh crap, it’s 2010…

This whole holiday season passed by like a blur! So I guess I should make some resolutions or some shit, huh?

Just kidding…no resolutions for me, just goals. Resolutions seem well, unattainable to me. It’s just a word I know, but words have power and influence and a goal seems more attainable to me. So here we go…

<drumroll>

Goal #1

FINALLY GET TO 165lbs!!

Dude, I am so tired of fighting. I don’t want to fight anymore, I just want to live and be happy and be able to do the things I want to do (run a 7 min mile, do an Iron man triathlon, fit into size 10 (or smaller) jeans) and being lighter will give me more confidence, energy and certainly a longer life! Besides that, how cool would it be to finally get my fricking tattoo that I’ve wanted for years! How cool would it be if I could do it before we go on our cruise before May? We’ll see about that, but it WILL happen this year!

Goal #2

GET PUBLISHED!!!

The book is written, though I’m still re-writing parts of it…once I get this draft done, I’m shopping agents and sending out query letters! I’ve already got a sequel to this book started, though as this first book fills out, it may turn into two on it’s own! We’ll see how it goes!

So that’s it for goals. There is not much more that is important to me right now or that I want to be focused on right now.

With that said, I’m on day 4 of eating better- no junk at all, whole grains, lean protein, veggies and fruit and lots of exercise including lifting, which I’ve not done much of in a while. So I’m sore, missing junk food a little, but I know this will pass and I’ll be feeling much better in a couple of days.

What’s feeling different about this year is my lack of motivation. I’m motivated to work on my goals, but just not as gung ho as I have been in the past. Usually I’m all about planning my race season and mapping out my training and what have you, but this year, meh, not so much.

I’m still excited about competing and all that, but I’m just not feeling it yet. Thankfully I have some gym friends who have their shit together and are happily dragging me along for the ride. So I have put myself at their mercy, though not committing to any grandiose plans like Marathons or Ironmans or even a 10k for that matter. My only plan right now is to do the 5 races I’m committed to doing for my race team (which I haven’t decided on yet) and two indoor tris in January and February. Other than that, I’m undecided and uncommitted and frankly unmotivated.

Funk? PMS? Weightgain?

All of the above I’m afraid.

Let’s hope next week brings some cheerier kind of attitude!

That’s all for now…goodnight.

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I love new calendars…

It always get to October and start needing to put things on the calendar for next year. So I trek to Barnes & Noble and find something inspiring or interesting to put in my kitchen to count the days that make up our lives.

2010 brings me a year of tree houses. How cool is that? These really cool tree houses in various parts of the worlds. Kinda makes me wish I had one where I could hide out and be at peace with the world.

Anyhoo, so as I look forward to a year of cool things going on: more races, more PRs reached, a Mediterranean cruise, another year of birthdays and holidays, and some drama I’m sure, I feel like I have to take a moment to look back at all I’ve done this year so far.

I did 11 races this year: Runs, rides or tris…two of my biggest being the 1/2 marathon I just did and the Olympic distance Triathlon in August. These last two are things I never thought possible. NEVER.EVER. Yet I did them. I’m not sure what it is exactly that keeps me going, but I’m glad I do. I keep doing more, accomplishing more and I think I am finding myself in the process.

******************************************************************

So I started this post back in October and am just now picking it back up…for good reason though…I have discarded  set to the side my tree house calendar for one much cooler. I didn’t have the guts to get it when I first saw it, thinking, “oh geez, doI really want my family looking at this calendar all year?” Hoping I might come across a smaller version of it, but today I’m at the mall to get the 7yo a new calendar for his room and come across the one I really wanted for 1/2 off. How could I pass it up??

It’s absolutely hilarious, edgy, mischievous and seriously makes me smile every time I see it!

Here are some of my favorites, lets see if you agree…

and my favorite…

Like I said, cool but so ‘bad’ at the same time! Anyway, I LOVE it, we’ll see what hubby says about when it is unveiled in the next couple days! Mwah, ha ha!

In other news, rather than waiting another week to start some kind of gym routine, I worked out with some friends yesterday. We lifted and boy am I sore!! Its a good sore and I know with more of it I’ll get the results I want, start dropping weight again and be happier…blah, blah, blah…why does it have to be so much work?? And why do I insist on whining about it?? I. Don’t. Know. Margo.- sorry that was a “Christmas Vacation” movie reference, sorry if you didn’t get it. Anyway, such is life.

So speaking of life, I’ve slowed down my binge and I am no longer eating everything in sight, just every other thing I see, so I’ll only gain back half of what I lost before…sound reasoning huh? Wish I would of thought of that before! 😉

But seriously, the eating plan goes into effect come Saturday, because nursing a hangover Jan 1st and starting going through detox is no fun. So Jan 2nd is my day. But like I said, I’ve been toning it down this week in preparation for the overhaul come the 2nd, but geez, I hate my relationship with food. I’m seriously sure that a little therapy and maybe some meds would fix me, but I just don’t want to spend the $$. Or maybe I’m not ready to go through the emotional upheaval which will be me discussing my dead alcoholic father, my surely chemically dependent absent brother, my depressed neurotic (can you be both at the same time?) mother and my own poor self esteem which relegates me to doormat status more often than I like, thoughI am better than I was before. Yeah, that’s it.

I saw a brief interview with Mackenzie Phillips (with William Shatner) and she talked about her relapse into addiction because she had never really dealt with the root of the problem that got her using in the first place. I think it’s the same with me. I have to come clean and reconcile my drama before I can truly be healed. Not that I can’t make my goal without therapy, I think I can, but if I want to maintain, then I need to get straightend out and that will need to be sooner than later.

Enough of that crap…

Have been to the movies twice with hubby this week as we have been kid free for 3 days and have 3 more days sans kids too. We saw Sherlock Holmes and Avatar. The first was pretty good, I like Robert Downy Jr and Jude Law, and the dialogue between Holmes and Watson was great. They left it wide open for a sequel (I almost wrote Squeakquel, damn movie ads!), but I enjoyed it. Avatar though, now that was a MOVIE! We saw it in IMAX 3D, which was amazing, despite the extra ($4 per ticket?) money we spent to see it. It didn’t feel like 3 hours except for that when it was over I had to run to the bathroom before I pissed myself. It was AH-MAY-ZING. GO. SEE. IT.  James Cameron seems to me maybe kind of a jerk (he has his fair share of troubles with women) but boy that guy has an imagination that is seriously bordering genius. AMAZING. Enough said.

So, things left to look forward to in my last three kid free days: Dinners with friends, pedicure and lunch with Pgoodness, another movie with hubby, work- NOT!, New Years eve with friends, gym, throwing/giving away old toys without kids present, house staying clean for more than 2 hours at a time.

Jealous, aren’t you?

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