13.1 miles under my belt, now what?

Oh. My. God. I ran an entire half marathon!!!

Something I seriously never thought possible!! It was so AWESOME!!

Freak (this is a new nickname for her…to be explained later) and T got to my house around 5:20am and I drove us all to Detroit. Picked the perfect parking spot as it was only two blocks from the start and right next to the after party!

Dropped off our gear bags, hit the porta potties and then went to go stand with our wave. We were in waves I, J, and K, but we all ended up in the back of wave J since no one was looking anyway. Our start was about 15 minutes later than the first wave start.

Within minutes, Freak was off and we wouldn’t see her again until the finish. T and I witnessed a barefoot runner and wasn’t sure whether to think they were crazy or just weird! We stuck together for the first mile, but I started feeling a little winded and decided if I were going to run all 13 miles, then I needed to slow down. So after the first mile I told her to go on without me. We started downtown a couple blocks from Cobo and headed to the bridge. It was an amazing site to pass under the bridge and already see thousands of people on it!

I decided since this was my first 1/2 marathon and I just wanted to finish, I also wanted to enjoy the day, so used my iPhone to take pictures and posted to facebook on my way! Dorky? Maybe. Fun? Definitely!

So I took some before getting on the bridge and some while on the bridge…

 

Behind me as we headed to the loop to get on the bridge, you might be able to make out the people on the bridge already…

 

The beginning of the uphill run…

 

On top of the bridge looking North, then South…

 

My strategy to keep going was to stop and stretch every three miles, so on the decline into Canada on the bridge was the 3 mile marker, so I stretched. What was weird was that I could feel it moving!

Made it into Canada with the Canadians cheering us on! We did a loop and headed back toward the river…

I still felt pretty good, so although there weren’t a ton of people cheering in Windsor, mostly just at the bridge or tunnel, I kept running with the plan of making it through the tunnel to the 8 mile mark at the very least.

I got to the 6 mile mark and stopped to stretch again checking my watch to see I got there in about 1:24 and figured if I could keep my pace I’d be able to finish in the 3 hours I wanted to! So I just kept running.  Soon after I thought it would be smart to eat my GU knowing I had a hill coming up as we came out of the tunnel and wanted to get through that strongly. Plus I wanted to drink some water with it and knew that this would be the last aid station until mile 9.

So I ate my chocolate GU, which was funny because I’ve used them all summer, and it’s like eating chocolate syrup. But because it was so cold, it came out like frosting, MMMMMMmmmm!

So I headed into the tunnel…

It felt like downhill forever because my legs were moving so fast! I was scared then that the uphill would be horrible!!

The underwater border…

Lots of people were hooting and hollering in there and it echoed. Soon it became an uphill battle, but I was determined to run it all, thinking this was the last hill I would have to encounter.

But I made it to the 8 mile marker…

At this point I was tired and tight after running uphill, so slowed my pace until I caught my breath. I was afraid to think “Only 5 miles to go,” because 5 miles still is a long way in my mind! So I kept thinking, “More behind me than infront of me.” Soon I made it to mile 9 and then stretched some more.

The rest is kind of a blur, but I passed one of my favorite Mexican restaurants in Mexican town…

Had a hankering for Burritos after that!!

Then I hit the 10 mile marker…

Soon after that there were people dressed up as M & M’s handing out M & M’s! It was such a pick me up!!

I stretched again at mile 11 because I was at this point so tight and exhausted and was afraid I would cramp up completely and not be able to finish. Five minutes after I stretched there, I got a rock in my shoe, so had to take that off and get it out. It seemed forever before I would make it to mile 12!

But I did!

So my mantra from that point was only a mile to go, and I could run a mile on even my worst day, right? My quads were killing me, my hamstrings were tight, my feet were aching and I was so tired and hungry!!

Somewhere between mile 10 and 12 I saw the bridge again and it amazed me, seemed so surreal that I had been there only an hour or so before and was back again…had I really run all that way??!!

We were back in the city now and kept running, the last aid station people had dropped some gatorade and the ground was extremely sticky. I’m sure it did little to actually hamper my progress, but I felt like I was running through gum! I turned to the woman next to me and said “Are we done yet?!” and she replied, “Oh about half way!” I looked at her bib and it was green…she was a first time marathoner! I was so glad I wasn’t her at that point!! I told her “Just keep trucking along and you’ll finish, you can do it!” She smiled and wished me luck and soon we parted ways, the marathoners headed to their additional 13.1 mile loop and me toward the finish. At that split, a volunteer yelled out, “Three tenths of a mile to go!” and I started bawling! Not whimpering, but all out wailing, but then I couldn’t breathe! So I told myself to suck it up or I wouldn’t have enough breath to finish! I always try to sprint my finished, but I had seriously left everything out on the course, so just kept trucking along as best I could and finally finished around 3 hours 3 minutes! Exactly where I had hoped to! Crossed the line, got my awesome medal and found Freak and T who were waiting for me. I cried even harder when I saw them!!

T finished about half an hour before I did, and Freak finished in 2 hours 28 minutes. So this is where her nickname comes in…she smokes, in fact we started smoking together 21 years ago when we were 14 years old…I quit about ten years ago and she has attempted a number of times but hasn’t been able to do it. She has also trained a whole lot less than either T and I have the past few months…so she is now a freak of nature. To be able to run this entire event in such a fast time with little training and being a smoker to boot!! It’s INSANE!! She’s got some natural talent, that one.

So we ate and chatted and hung out listening to the Killer Flamingos play on the big stage at the afterparty…

I am so glad I did this. It was by far the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life so far, but so rewarding to have completed at the same time. Whenever I do something like that, it opens another whole door of possibilities for me that I never thought would be available to me. So now when I think about completing the Oly triathlon, it’s like nothing, because the swim and bike are so much easier for me than the run. So now I’ll be like, “It’s only a 10k!” Seriously, what’s 6 miles after you’ve done 13?

So I’m already looking forward to next season, another half marathon and probably mostly olympic distance triathlons, rather than sprints. Just imagine what I’ll be able to do!! I have maybe one or two 5ks planned before the end of the year, but nothing epic.

February and March will be indoor tri’s and our annual 1st run of the year (a 5k) in Ann Arbor and I’m thinking I’ll be doing the Martian Half Marathon in April. Don’t want to look much farther than that, as serious training for these events won’t start until January.

Today I am really sore in pain. My quads hurt the worst, my hamstrings are really tight, but my feet and everything else seem okay. So the event didn’t kill me, but I don’t think I’ll be running again for at least a week!

33 hours and counting…

Good things about doing the half marathon on Sunday:

- It’s a major accomplishment for me even though the competitive nature in me will be disappointed if I don’t run the whole thing.

- It will be cool to be part of the race after party downtown in the D.

- I’ll have three (or more) hours to myself, focusing only on myself, without kids or husband asking me for or to do anything for them.

- The weather will be perfect for running, cool and dry with some sun.

- It’s not the full marathon!

What’s sad is that I’m already planning my next half marathon. Really people, I think I might need an endurance sport intervention.

I ran a little bit today at the gym and ran into a friend. She was wearing a shirt for a Half Iron Man and I asked her about it. She said her sister (orSIL?) did it and I mentioned that I was a triathlete as well. She expressed interest but doubted her ability. We talked a little and I think I might have her interested in doing one!

No multisport or endurance sport isn’t a cult, but it can be transformational. After one race I wanted more. I wanted to push myself and see how far I could take it, how far I could go, how fast I could be, how much I could improve. I am by NO means fast, but I’ve improved year after year and after three seasons I am more confident and still continually pushing what I thought were the limits of what I could do.

I just want people to feel what I feel when I race. It isn’t about coming in first, it’s about being part of something fun and amazing and doing something you never thought you could accomplish. Yes the finisher medals are cheesy as are most of the plaques if you place, but being a part of a sport that really, is quite all inclusive, is pretty cool. You see all types out there, old, young, male female, beer bellies and the ultra thin, and everyone makes an effort to make you feel welcome, at least that has been my experience! Then racing as part of a team, well, that’s even better! Matching kits, team supported events, training buddies, it’s an awesome support system. Anyhoo, I hope she explores it, because it can be pretty darn cool!

In other news, I had a job interview today and I thought it went pretty well. It’s been years since I interviewed anywhere so I wasn’t sure how it was all going to go down, but I felt pretty confident I did okay as they scheduled my second interview on the spot for Tuesday. Hubby and I found it funny that they would do a second interview for such a basic job. It’s not like I’ve applied for a managerial position. It’s part-time seasonal work at a department store. So either they’re really covering their bases, or they have so many candidates that they need to weed out even the more qualified ones.

So anyhoo, I’m pretty confident, but we’ll see what happens next week.

In other news, I’ve been mulling over what to do about my mom. I know I’ve talked about her having her own version of reality most of the time and it’s not that she’s detached from reality or anything really. She’s great seeing the big picture of things, but when it comes to me or my kids, she doesn’t know when to shut up. In the past she has accused me of playing favorites with my inlaws with regards to who we see when over the holidays. I won’t go into all that, but suffice it to say, short of using a stop watch and recording the time we spent with each relative, we made it fair. In her eyes though, she was slighted big time.

So her most recent topic of enlightenment for me was that hubby and I are headed down a bad road. Basically that I’m not standing up enough for myself with regards to my needs and that we need to do things more as a family, that it’s important for us to eat dinner together and turn off the T.V. and she said he wasn’t giving me the support I needed, not with regards to finance, but in terms of being supportive.

Number one, this is not news to me. I’ve been a doormat most of my life, though less so as the years have passed. I like to keep the peace and I generally don’t complain about much unless something is really bothering me.

Number two, Hubby is as supportive as he can be. He’s not my biggest cheerleader, but I really don’t need him to be. But he still takes interest in what I’m doing and really does give a shit about how I feel about it all.

I think this is all stemming from her life experience with my alcoholic father and she thinks that I’m heading down the same road. What cracks me up about this fear of hers, is that I am beyond making the same mistakes she did in her life. She was pregnant at 19. I wasn’t until I was 28, I had my degree and finished my masters. Oh yeah, and my husband isn’t an alcoholic. Also, I chose to stay home with my kids, yes hubby and I discussed it, but I made the decision. And I didn’t stay home because I wanted to be taken care of, but because I wanted to raise my kids and enjoy the short time I would have with them as they grew and didn’t want to be mommy’s little boy anymore. Besides that I hated my job I had when I got pregnant.

Anyway, she had some valid points, but I can not make hubby a more attentive father or husband anymore than I can create peace in the Middle East. Yes I can ask for more support in that area, and I do encourage things now and again, but it is not my job to create or guide what my sons relationship is with their father. That is solely up to them.

She was also concerned about the reasoning behind me getting a part time job. Thinking it will be hard enough for me to deal with the boys all day (okay one is in school all day) and then work in the evenings too, all for a pittance. But you know what, I’m looking forward to making a little spending cash. I’m looking foward to getting a discount on something or another that we could use. I’m looking forward to NOT having to put the kids to bed on my own EVERY night. HMmm, me thinks this will be a WONDERFUL opportunity for hubby to be in a more active parental role when he has to do all this while I’m at work.

I think it’s an effing PERFECT situation. The best part, if I hate it, I’ll quit. It’s a part time job that I’m getting just to help cover the cost of our trip in May. The job I might currently get is also only seasonal, so if I get hired, it’s over January 2nd. Unless there is a permanent opening and they want to keep me, and I want to stay.

Anyhoo, as per ususal, she is all doom and gloom…not surprising as she’s depressed and although she was on some good meds for it, she had to go off them because they were messing up her system.

So what kills me about the situation is that she’s a fixer. If she sees anything wrong, she’s got a million and one solutions to fix it, be it relationships or anything else. But if I justify what I’m doing, she takes it as being defensive. All I’m trying to do is have a conversation with her about it and she gets all dramatic about it. Like if we don’t change direction soon, my kids will be royally screwed up and I’ll seriously regret it.

I’m pretty confident I’m doing okay right now. If I feel like I need some change, I’ll do it. But how do I convey that to her? In her mind she cares and she thinks she’s doing a good thing. But how it came across to me is that I’ve failed some how as a parent or a wife because I’m not doing enough to bring my family closer together. That I have failed to see the consequences of my actions or non-actions.

Life is life, I live it. Everyone is where they’re supposed to be, doing what they’re supposed to be doing. The very best I can do for my kids is listen to them, talk to them and let them know they are loved. Everything else from there will fall into place. I do my best to maintain the relationships that I can, but really if it’s that hard or there is no reciprocation, forget it. In my mom’s case, it’s hard to have a relationship with her because her lack of support for me has been overwhelming (and she talks about hubby being unsupportive!) and that she feels the need to play my therapist rather than a mom.

<sigh>

I hope you got all that, but if you didn’t, chances are in a month or so, I will be revisiting the mom theme once again and much of this will be repeated.

That is all for now…Picking up race packet tomorrow, hoping we get a cool shirt!

See ya!

13 one mile runs Sunday

Before I start, I have to give thanks to the powers that be: God, nature, karma, or whatever that my good friend pgoodness is in the clear for now. This whole Melanoma thing has really been scary and I could only imagine the rollercoaster of emotion she and her family have been on. So thanks be to whoever, I’m glad my friend is going to be okay because life would quite frankly SUCK without her around!!

Getting back on topic…so I have this little half marathon thing happening on Sunday. It’s 13.1 miles. The farthest I have run without stopping to walk…7 miles. Chances of me running the ENTIRE thing like I hoped to are slim, but I’m okay with that! So I’m just going to take it one mile at a time and my goal is to finish! So I’m not nervous really, just kind of excited and not sure what to expect.

Glad my friend and cousin are doing it too, there was some question whether they would be able to do it due to not getting proper IDs in time in order to cross the border into Canada for part of the run. But everything is in order. There are a number of other people I know who are doing it too, so it’s not like I would have been completely by myself.

In other news I have a job interview on Friday evening for a part time job at JCPenney. I’m kind of excited to work again, but apprehensive at the same time. Don’t have the job yet, so I’ll worry about going back when I do!

In the meantime I’m about 200 pages into writing the sequel to my first novel. I’m glad I’m doing it now because as this one plays out, I’m thinking I might need to change some minor things in the first one so it all flows. It’s going pretty well except for that when I have inspiration like this, everything else goes to the wayside! I have easily 9+ months of paperwork to file and checkbook to balance. And my house seriously needs to be decluttered and reorganized! That stuff can wait though right?

That’s all for now, it’s late and I’m sleepy!

cue: me crying

I absolutely hate that I cry when I’m angry or upset. To me it’s seems like such a weakness. I wish I just got mad or belligerent, but no, I cry. I look like a weak fool and I hate it.

I also absolutely hate when your mother is right.

As pissed as I am at her most of the time for being mildy meddesome, often so absorbed in her own drama to be supportive, and a real pain in my ass, she can be so on the money about some things.

She was in town this weekend for my younger’s 3rd birthday and we had a discussion this morning. She was hesitant to bring it up, but she had made some observations about my life and where things were heading. As much as I wanted to tell her to fuck off and mind her own business, everything she said was true.

Nothing she said was a revelation to me, I know that it’s there and told her as much. She said she wasn’t trying to be meddlesome, but that all she can do is observe and give me the benefit of what she’s experienced in her life. Not that she predicts doom and gloom for my family, just that it’s not headed down a happy road.

What pisses me off about the situation is that it’s up to me to make the waves. Am I miserable? No. Am I gloriously happy? No. Just kind of sitting in the status quo, riding the line between happy and unhappy and just being.

Some of that just being is part of where I am in life, having still to care for kids and shuffle them here and there, some of it is relationship with hubby and our seperate busy lives, some of it is me and not standing up for myself as much as I should or making demands where demands need to be made.

So I guess I have some things to sort out. Sometimes being a grownup can be such a pain in the ass.

I love fall…

Tis the season where the weather starts getting cooler, the jeans and sweaters start coming out, the leaves turn and start falling and it’s nearing trick or treat time!!

I. LOVE. FALL. ABSOLUTELY, LOVE IT!!

Hubby and I will be married 10 years come the 23rd of this month and I’m also happy to say I weigh at least 24lbs less now than I did that day. No big immediate plans to celebrate said anniversary, but in May we will be venturing on our 10 day Mediterranean cruise.

So what’s going on? Nothing and everything…as always.

I’ve applied for jobs at Target, Kohl’s, JCPenney’s, Sears and Von Maur, to work part time in the evenings to help pay for the cruise. So far only Von Maur has called back and although I thought it was more of an information gathering call to see if schedules would work out, it seemed to be a little bit of a phone interview as well…I was ill prepared. Got a letter in the mail letting me know they would be exploring other options. It’s actually probably a good thing, I don’t think Von Maur and I would mesh…I have a tendency to fall into fashion rather than dictate or follow it. I’m perfectly happy with my $10 target tops and $20 Kohl’s jeans. It apparently was not meant to be!

And so I wait…thinking I’ll apply at HomeGoods and Joann’s next, SOMEONE will want seasonal help and if that’s all I get, it will be something. Kind of feeling like once I get my foot in the door that they’ll want to keep me where ever I end up.

Anyhoo, 2 weeks until my half marathon. I’m kind of scared because I feel so ill prepared. My training dropped off weeks ago, life happened, school started, kids had birthdays, I got a sinus infection and then my hip started hurting. I hate making excuses, but really I’m not as ready as I wanted to be. So, I’m just going to plan on enjoying the day. Being a part of something bigger than me, doing something I’ve never done before, reveling in the comradarie of being one of the thousands of crazy people that thought it might be fun to run 13 or more miles on a Sunday morning across the Ambassador Bridge to Canada and back through the tunnel to the good ole’ D.

What the fuck was I thinking???

Sorry, just a pre-race freak out. It happens sometimes.

In other news, my first 10k race is Sunday morning at U of M…kind of feeling the same as with the half marathon…it will kind of be like my pre-test to see how far my body will really want me to go. I know I can do six miles, not very fast, but I should be able to do it. So again, I’m going to go and enjoy the day, have fun finishing on the 50 yard line at the Big House helping benefit Mott Children’s hospital. Whether I run the whole thing or not, I will finish and it will all be for a good cause!

Can you tell I’m just over racing this season!!

I’m so effing burnt out it’s not even funny!! I think after the half marathon I won’t be running more than 2 miles a day until after January! I don’t mind the working out part, I enjoy that actually, I just don’t want to be training for anything for a while. I just want to move my body for the sake of moving my body, to make it stronger or burn some pent up agression, but I don’t want to train for a 5k or a tri or a half marathon or anything until after the new year. Come January though, I’m thinking it will be balls out running so I can do the Martian Half Marathon in April, and run the ENTIRE thing.

What am I doing? Am I seriously planning my 2010 race season already?? JUST STOP IT ALREADY!!

Okay, <deep breath>, sorry about that, I think I’m under control now.

Feeling bad for my friend D right now, not because she has Melanoma, (yeah that sucks, but I KNOW she’ll get through it), but because she’s had two surgeries to remove nodes and now has to go through chemical treatments to be sure the cancer is gone and all of this is keeping her on the couch! D is definitely a do-er. Not a sit on her butt kind of gal. But a get up and get moving have twenty projects going at once kind of person all while she takes care of her two adorable boys and runs a business.

It’s only a few days post op, but I’m sure by the end of the weekend she will be going N-U-T-S! Thankfully she has computer access, so she can play games, tweet, watch shows, and do other things, but for as long as she’ll be out, that stuff will no doubt get old quick! Will have to think of some fun things for her to keep herself occupied in the meantime.

Let’s see, what else…moving forward with Book 2, a sequel to the first book I’ve written which is not published yet, but hope to move forward with next year. It’s coming along fine, just getting the basic storyline down and will no doubt have lots of rewriting to do in front of me once it is done. I’m excited that writing is a possibility for me, that I have stories in me to tell, my only hope is that someone will believe in me enough to have my work published!

Alright, there’s more to tell, but it will have to wait for another day, I’m tired and still have more Book 2 to write tonight!

Where did I put my brain again?

Tis the season for being forgetful. Or maybe it’s my brain’s way of saying, “WHOA, slow the hell down!”

This first week of school has been busy! Just getting used to getting up early, packing lunches, getting out the door on time and just generally getting used to being on a regular schedule. Things seem to be falling into place rather well. The bedtime and morning routines seem to be okay, though Ben has been a bit of a pill- I think it’s just his age (almost 3), as I remember Brandon being difficult at this age.

Anyhoo, Brandon going back to school seems to be uneventful, so far (knock on wood.) It generally take a good couple months for him to get with the program, but he seems okay so far. He seemed a little down in the dumps yesterday, maybe he was just tired, again getting used to the schedule/routine of listening to a teacher all day rather than playing. Anyhoo, I made a point of talking to his teacher yesterday to let her know I would be dropping off and picking up so if there were any issues to be discussed I wanted to know immediately. So she did let me know that she noticed that he just likes to do enough to get by. So if she asks them to write a paragraph about something, then he’ll just write like two sentences.

So I chat with him about it, not a lecture, just how much nicer things can be if you put forth just a little more effort. He gets all upset about it. He’s a smart kid, he can read and write, do math, reason and play sports, but he’s not always very sure of himself and can be a little on the sensitive side. So I’m going to be actively looking for ways we can boost his little self esteem- tough coming from a former doormat who had to find her own way and still from time to time struggles with her self worth. So this is something we have to go through together I think.  A good exercise for both of us. I think with this kid it will be a bumpy road.

If Brandon is the bumpy road, then Ben will be my rollercoaster ride. He is full speed ahead, ready for just about anything kid. He’ll try to do anything is 7yo brother can do, but thankfully is kind of aware of some of his limits. He’s having some frustration being in between little kid and big kid, and what he’s just not quite able to do yet. With frustration comes a little attitude and now he’s fighting me a little at naptime and bedtime which Brandon never did. It’s weird how different your offspring can be.

In other news, Brandon’s 7th birthday is less than a week away and we still haven’t figured out what we’re doing. He wants to have a ZapZone party, so I guess I better call. We haven’t done his birthday shopping either, hoping we can do it Saturday while he’s at the movies with Grammie.

Thinking to do a joint party for the boys in a couple weeks for family…so I should probably get on the invites for that. Maybe? God I suck.

So in the drama of getting everything ready for school, I recieved a summons for Jury Duty. Thankfully it was local, so I didn’t have to drive downtown- whew! But it was still drama because my inlaws were outof town so I had to find someone to watch Ben, and get someone else to drop off Bran at school, and if I got selected to sit and had to stay then hubby would have to get off work early to pick up Ben and then get Brandon from school. Thankfully it all worked out and I was able to pick up Ben and we were gettting ready to leave to get Bran from school, when I get a phone call. I thought it was the school calling because something happened with Bran at school, but no, it was Ben’s preschool teacher, “Did you know we started today?”

I. Forgot.

Actually I didn’t forget, I simply thought it started next week!! I even wrote it on the calendar for next week so that date had to have been written somewhere. Thankfully she was nice and understanding and I explained we would have missed it anyway since I had Jury Duty. So it’s not the end of the world, it’s Stay and Play preschool, meaning it’s me and Ben playing for two hours once a week.

I hate being late, or missing anything, or just generally appearing irresponsible. HATE. IT. So I’ll just have to get over it.

So had a crappy last encounter with my mom that has kind of come full circle. Had a phone conversation with her last week where she told me she was seeing a therapist and on meds for depression. I was glad to hear it because I was feeling like she was in this downward spiral. But what she tells me is that she realized she needed help when we were all at the beach and she wasn’t engaging the boys at all. I noticed the same thing but then she says it made her sad, because my boys were like the only things keeping her from killing herself.

Great. Thanks.

I hated hearing that, because after our last visit, I had decided we weren’t going to make any further effort to go see her because of how she behaved. So imagine how guilty I was feeling that I was planning to take the only thing keeping her alive away from her. So I was feeling guilty and pissed that she dropped that on me.

Anyhoo, days later she tells me she’s okay, so I don’t need to worry, but really, I’m always worried about her because she doesn’t have anyone else. I have to keep her at an arms length though, because whenever I get her too close to me, it ends up hurting me. Yes that’s the chance you take with relationships, but with her, it’s like you can’t even talk to her about it. I’ve tried that, tried talking to her about things, but she’s not receptive at all because she has her own version of reality. So on that front…the drama continues…

In other more crappy news, I’ve gained about 15lbs back, hovering around the 200lb mark. Disappointing as I’d hoped to be at my goal of 165 by now, but it’s what happens. I lose some, I gain some back and then I lose it again. The cycle is maddening, and I KNOW  I’ll get back on track again and will lose again, but it gets me down regardless.

Half-marathon is looming, I’ve run 7 miles max so far, so Iknow I can get through at least half of it. I really wanted to be able to get through all of it, but I think it was an unrealistic expectation for me to think I would have enough time to train for and be able to run the entire distance. So I’ll do what I can, knowing I can run at least 7 miles of it, if not more, so that will still be a huge accomplishment for me!

The best news I have to share is that hubby and I have decided to go on the Mediterranean cruise in May! Hoping I can get a part time job at Target or Kohls to be able to to help cover some of the cost of the trip because it will be pricy. The cruise is 10 days, but you have to fly in the day before and the flight is like 12-14 hours depending, so we’ll be gone almost 14 days. YIKES!! I have never been away from my boys for that long, ever! So the long flight and being away from the boys for so long  is a little nerve wracking, but it will be an amazing trip! It’s still seems a little surreal that we’re going, I guess because it’s so far away, so it really hasn’t hit me yet. More on that as it gets closer!

Thats all for now!

doubting, stressing and other stupid stuff…

Before I get to all that other crap…I should update on what I posted last…

Sylvania Tri Race Report!!

Got there early with friend N and had plenty of time to wander around and find other friends. It was nice there were so many other people there I knew! Slated to be a really hot but windy day, so I knew I was in for a real challenge. It helped me to decide that I would take it easy and just race with the goal to finish.

Swim was not at bad as I thought it would be…didn’t feel like I was in the water for hours, though I did get irritated with the woman who zigzaged in front of me for the first part of the course. Finished a few minutes faster than I thought I would. Hooray!!

Bike was a challenge. 15-20mph headwinds for the first 10 miles or so helped fatigue my legs- ARGH!! Course was flat, and once we turned around and got a tail wind it was finally fast!! No shade on the bike course, no hills = no momentum which meant we were pedaling the whole time. Realized then that flat course doen’t necessarily = easy course! Drank a lot of fluids to stay hydrated due to being out in the sun for 24miles also knowing I’d have to hydrate for the 10k run to come.

Pee break in transition knowing it would be more than an hour before I’d be done! Headed out on the run, a little shade, but only in the two neighborhoods we went through, the rest of the 3-4 miles were in the sun on the pavement/asphalt, so it was H-O-T! Water stations at every mile kept us hydrated and the kind folks in the neighborhoods brought out their hoses to cools us down if we requested!

Took me forever to finish, almost felt like my first tri all over again! But I did finish and that was what I set out to do! A little disappointed that I wasn’t able to run more of the run, but with the heat I walked most of it. Still proud I did it though!!

They had a beer trailer there and although Coors is not my beer of choice, it was sure nice going down. Could only drink about half of it knowing even after all the fluids I had consumed I was still dehydrated and would have to drive home! Driving drunk would not be a good idea!

A few friends won awards, another beat her last time by a mile, met some older (60+) folks who had done a number of Ironman events and although I was tired and doubting when if ever I would race again, I was re-inspired!

So I have 3 events left this year so far on my race calendar:

This weekend a Tri relay- I’m doing the bike portion only- 24miles.

October 4th- Big House Big Heart 10k- my chance to run a whole 10k in a race setting prior to….

Detroit Free Press Half Marathon- October 18th. Oy!

After this event I will not know what to do with myself and will probably relegate myself to the couch for at least a week, or until I feel guilty for not running or cycling or swimming or until I am free enough from pain to beable to resume normal activity again- whichever comes first I think.

So on to all the other stuff…

Mother. Oy!

Spent the weekend with her a couple weeks ago with the boys. Feeling eternally guilty that she misses them so much and that we can’t get out to see her that often, so agreed to a Fri-Mon. Weekend was o.k. until Sunday, when she seemed to have little patience for anything let alone me and my boys at a crazy busy beach. Was having flashbacks to my childhood when I regularly walked on eggshells, wondering what I had done to piss her off. Seriously considered leaving Sunday night because I was afraid boys would pick up the less than stellar attitude that was pissing me off, but they were oblivious so we stayed.

I must say I was proud of myself in that I didn’t let her attitude affect me, I still had a great time with my boys and made sure they didn’t suffer any ill effects of her attitude. I should have confronted her, but was afraid it would be a knock down drag affair and I didn’t want the boys to witness.

So for the most part I’ve decided that I’m done with her…I’m done making excuses for her bad behavior. Sure she’s struggling right now, with her job, with all of her relationships, and afraid of losing her job, not being able to afford retirement, of being alone. We all have our own struggles and those are no excuse for treating people the way she does. I don’t think my guilt will ever go away, I feel like I’m all she has left, and of course her only grandkids are mine, but I’m done bending over backward for her, because nothing will make her happy. Sadly I’ve said this before, I guess I just have to keep reminding myself.

In other news…hubby and I have the opportunity to go on an awesome Mediterranean Cruise, but it is way more than we have or ever might consider spending on a vacation- even if it is an anniversary trip we take only every 5 years. Do we have the money? Yes. BUT, there’s always a ‘but’ isn’t there? We seriously need new siding…not for asthetic purposes, but because we have leakage issues around some windows and insulation issues (my closet) that can only be fixed by taking the siding off and sealing/re-insulating. If this doesn’t happen in the next year then we might be talking more serious more EXPENSIVE damage. Siding for our house: $10,000 at least.

Yes we can probably do a home equity loan, so we don’t have to pay for it upfront, but it still gives us another monthly payment. The trouble is that since the economy is so crappy, hubby got about .5% of the bonuses he usually gets every year, which would have afforded us siding and the trip. Now we’re deciding how we can manage to do both. The trip would deplete our minimal savings, not kill it completely, but bring it to a level we’re not comfortable with.

Normally we’d have no trouble saying no way to a trip like this, just purely due to cost, but it’s feeling like a once in a lifetime opportunity! As we’ve aged with our friends we all kind of had this picture of what our lives would be (all these grand ideas were of course formed before we had kids!). One of these pictures were of us taking vacations together. We did do Disney together- the last trip we took together- that was 8 years ago- before we had kids. Since then no one has had the means or commitment or interest in doing any kind of trip together, even fricking camping! Our once a year weekend trip to Chicago hasn’t even lasted the years.

So here we are and we’re invited with some of our friends (different friends than from our original group) to take this awesome cruise traveling from various ports in Italy (hubby is Italian!), Greece and Turkey. These friends are kidless (for now) but the clock is ticking on them and I would expect this is their last hurrah before they are limited by lack of funds and sitters due to the kids. To take a trip like this with friends would be SO much fun and seriously once in a lifetime as I don’t see hubby planning a trip like for us, and if he’s not interested then it’s not going to happen.

So I have offered to get a part time job somewhere as since my younger is only 3, he’s not in school full time. So I could work in the evenings somewhere doing what I did to get by in college, waiting tables, cashiering whatever. Hubby says he’d feel bad if I had to do that because 1) it wouldn’t pay for the whole trip- more than half is better than nothing though isn’t it?- and he doesn’t want for me to HAVE to get a job. Translate this last part as, if you’re working nights that means I can’t do the things I want to do and I’d be responsible for putting kids to bed and other things…seriously putting a cramp on the easy life he leads now.

The funny thing about this whole thing is that three days before we were invited on this cruise, I had a chance to chat with Pgoodness’ dad and step mom about the trip they are planning and how they have a list of places they want to go and I kind of got the feeling that they were both a little regretful that they hadn’t traveled more (around the world) thus far and waited until the end of their lives to do it. This idea coupled with the words of wisdom of hubby’s father the day after saying we should have fun when we’re young and do more together. I kind of got the feeling from him too that we should spend more time having fun now than being overly cautious about saving for the future. Because seriously, why work so hard if all you’re going to do is live day in day out doing not much of anything but make small improvements on your house and have a few outside activities.

So Hubby is thus far undecided on if we are going to take this trip. I REALLY want to go, but won’t pressure him into it as I’m worried that he will stress about the finances until the day we leave (in May) and though I know he will have a great time, I’m afraid he will regret it because we spent the money. On the other hand, I’m afraid we won’t have another opportunity like this because no one else we know travels- other than up north-and although we’ll go somewhere as a couple regardless, it will be way better with friends.

So as I’ve kind of started looking at what kinds of jobs are out there for part time, I’ve also started thinking about how nice it would be to have a decent second income. To actually use the MBA I have and get paid for it! Having a job and working is drama, that and kids is more drama and headache, but people all over the world do it every day and why shouldn’t I? Then I could buy what I wanted when I wanted and not think twice about it. We could have the house I want- nothing huge, just a little bigger than we have now with my own bathroom and library- oh and to be able to park in the garage would be nice. And we could take this vacation and not stress about if we can really afford it.

So if I get a full time job does that mean I’m giving up on my writing? Am I doubting my ability to be published? Can I have job and write too? Can I be happy in an 8-5 corporate job which is what I would most likely get and be qualified for anyway?

So much to think about.

Unless something happens to hubby and I’m forced to get a job, I’m thinking I won’t start looking until my younger is in school full time, which means 2 years. Its frustrating especially since I’m getting some pushback from hubby.

He’s definitely not ready for me to get a job. Like I said before, he kind of has it easy. He barely has to deal with any kind of kid drama because I am always home. All he has to do is go to work and come home, mow the lawn and do basic maintenance on house. I think we’ve both kind of been happy with the arrangement, but I’m getting a little bored. The kids are getting older and require a little less attention and entertainment from me. That paired with things are getting more expensive- the clothes and toys they want- and my wants are changing as well, the status quo won’t be good for long.

ugh, so much to consider.

Next week I am heading an effort to reclaim my house from the men in my house. Toys will be seriously weeded out, we will be keeping ONLY the things they have played with in the last week. EVERYTHING else will be donated or put in the garbage! Hubby’s piles of ‘important’ stuff will all be put in a box and he can deal with it at his leisure. We still have a bunch of my brothers things that he left when he lived with us for two months a year ago, so he will be given two weeks notice to pick up his crap or else it goes in the trash.

I too will be weeding out my crap and consolidating, as well of balancing 18mths worth of checkbook statements- YIKES! and filing paperwork in its proper spot, my pile is seriously big out of control!

So that’s all for me now! Like it’s not enough!

Sending positive vibes out there to those who need it most right now…also saving a few for myself to get me through this last harrowing week before kids go back to school!

Biggest.Race.of.my.season.Sunday.

YIKES!!

Sylvania Olympic Distance Triathlon- Sunday, August 9th.

1500m swim/40k bike/10k run

Let me break it down for you…

The open water swim is equivalent to about 65 laps of a regular pool or roughly one mile, but it’s in a lake.

The bike is almost 25 miles, on flat land thankfully!

The run is 6.2 miles also flat land!

So I picked this race for my first long course due to it’s flatness on the recommendation of my Ironman Tri friend who said this was a good first OLY to do. The only thing that sucks about it…it’s going to be hot!!

The good thing is that I’m not planning on killing myself over this race. My goal is to finish, so however long it takes is fine with me. Kind of like the first tri I did over 2 years ago!

So although I’ve scaled back my training considerably in the past months, I still feel like I’m ready. I’ve done enough sprint events to know I can get through the olympic and I shouldn’t be last.

Still, I’m stressing a little, I know a few people doing this race, though I’m used to racing with my friend T, and something generally feels like it’s missing when she’s not racing with me, and she’s not doing this race! Oh well. She’ll be wishing she did it after I finish!

Things should work out pretty smoothly, hubby is out of town with his dad, so I’ll be dropping the boys off with MIL Saturday afternoon. That way I can go to Ohio and pick up my packet and get all my gear ready without the boys in tow! Then wake up early on Sunday for my hour drive to the race site!

Transition area opens I think at 5:30, and although I don’t relish the idea of waking up early, I’m kind of feeling like I need to be there at 5:30. This means I have to leave at 4:30, waking at like 3:45!! YIKES!! Earliest morning EVER for me!! And I am NOT a morning person!

So the only thing in question is whether my one friend and I will be riding together or not. She mentioned something about it a few weeks ago, but I’ve not heard anything from her, so I’m kind of hoping I have a nice quiet ride in by myself!

So other than that I’m all set, a little nervous, but ready nonetheless!

In other news, vacation in North Carolina was great! Boys had a great time and so did we! Here are a few photos..

 

Boys in the ocean

 

Us at the Battleship in Wilmington, NC

 

Us at the Ocean Isle Beach Pier

 

The beach house we stayed in

We had a great time and would go again in a heartbeat!!

Thats all for now!!

A reading, a race and a secret outed…

Updates galore…

Friday went to a Psychic party- yes it’s what you think it is…a psychic comes to your house and does readings for you and all your friends! It was at a friend’s house it ran rather late, we didn’t leave until 2:30am!!

Anyhoo, I felt like I needed more than the 30min I got with her, but here’s what came out…

She told me all about myself. How I like to take things slow…do them in my own time, how once make up my mind to do something I always see it through to completion. That I surround myself with spiritually open minded people, that I’m not religious, but rather spiritual. Then she spoke of me having 3 careers over my lifetime and that I will reinvent myself each time. I could only picture Madonna at that point and I cracked up a little! She also said that she saw that I would live a long time and that once I was older, she said like 70, that I would finally feel I was done doing everything I was supposed to be doing or that I felt others thought I should be doing and I would decided it was my time and I would do what I wanted to do. That last part made me sad because right now, most of my life I have always done what was expected of me…school, corporate work world, marriage, grad school, kids, etc and even now I get the feeling it’s not enough, even though I am feeling rather content with how things are now. Generally I’m always trying to please someone, so I think its sad I’m going to wait until I’m 70 to start living my life and do the things I want to do!!

But on the other hand, I feel like I am doing the things I want to do now like writing my book and the triathlons and the half marathon coming up.

I asked her about my book and she said I would eventually get published but that I wouldn’t be famous for it, and wanted me to consider writing other types of books, books for kids with little creatures as the main characters.

She had a fair amount to say about the boys, she said that both were old souls that the older would be sports oriented, which I was surprised to hear and that he would try everything  twice, taking his time to settle on what he would do…he might go to college then take a year off to figure what he wants to do next. I could see that part about him totally!

She said the younger was a lover of books, which is already true…of both boys and I really! She said he would do well in the sciences, even though he seems more like my sports kid than the other.

Other than that she said she saw me as teacher/healer and that’s not the first time I’ve heard that. I still have interest in psychology and helping/healing people that way, but I don’t see myself going back to school for another 5+ years to get that Masters and be able to practice. I would definitely be interesting in teaching at the college level, but again would possibly require more schooling unless I wanted to teach business classes as I have my MBA, but that doesn’t sound really interesting to me.  So we’ll see how all that pans out.

Other than that, she did a group reading about past lives and I was an healer in Africa, a monk and a child pickpocket. She also did mention my skin being rather sensitive to the elements and right now rather itchy (I have some crazy rash thing going on right now that she couldn’t see). 

So nothing crazy profound for me, though she hit the nail on the head when speaking about me.

Had a race today and although the beginning of the bike was a little rough and I had a crampy stomach during the whole run, I managed to take 20 min off my time from last year and take 2nd place in the Athena group (Women over 160lbs). A lot of people from my team showed up and it was fun racing with everyone!

So about the secret, that wasn’t really a secret…I’ve been dreading telling my mom that we’re going to Carolina with her sister and her family and a couple of friends. They don’t get along so great and I knew she wouldn’t be happy about it. I wanted to tell her when we stayed at her house two weeks ago, but my brother pulled a stay for 3 hours and leave with no explaination on her that same week and she was pissed and so I didn’t want to bear the brunt of her drama between the two things. So I didn’t say anything. So we played phone tag because I had a busy weekend, so she got punkin pie first and he spilled the beans.

I spoke with her this evening and although she didn’t act pissed, she was distant about it and no doubt I’ll be hearing about it one way or the other before long. How I favor everyone one else but her and treat her like crap, blah blah blah. Oh well.

So it’s been a busy weekend and I’m tired…so off to bed for me!

Pushing forward…

It’s been a busy summer so far and it’s only the beginning of July!

I’ve completed 3 triathlons, taking 18min off of Motor City and 14min off of Big Fish and completing a new all women’s event- She Rocks. The last I didn’t get to competitive, somthing about racing three weekends in a row kind of wears you out…come to think of it, it’s been more like 5 weekends of racing as I was team support the two weekends before that!! So pretty much every Sunday for the past 5 Sundays I’ve been up by 5am to either race or support my team! YIKES!

So now it’s a week of relaxing/healing…I hurt my foot when I almost wiped out during the trail run on my last race, nothing major, but it feels a little tender at times so I’m not going to push it!  Next up Muddy Buddy, a run/bike/obstacle course with my cousin and then another Tri the weekend after that.

Big upcoming events…My first Olympic distance Tri coming in August…1500m swim/40k bike/10k run and then in October, the Detroit Free Press 1/2 Marathon. I have seriously crossed over to the dark side I think!

Before you start thinking thoughts about how amazingly athletic I am, I do have endurance and I can go the distance, only not so fast! But really this half marathon thing is pushing what I can do. I guess that’s what it’s all about though, pushing forward!

Nervous about the training that it will entail, I know I can do it, it’s just weird to think of myself being able to run 13.1 miles, especially now as my foot hurts and my ITBS has been acting up. So rest and stretching and ice will be my friend for the next week and training starts next week!! EeeeeK!

In other news, I finally finished my book!! It’s all written and basically edited. Pgoodness is reading it for me and we’ll see what she comes back to me with, so there will still be some tweaking to do. In the meantime I have started ideas for book two, a sequel, but haven’t started writing it yet. I have however, started researching into what comes next with regards to getting my book published.

Basically it sounds like I have to write a query letter to an agent/publishing house…explaining who I am, what I’m writing and who that might appeal to.  Sounds like I can expect to send out A LOT of these. I will get a number of rejections, maybe A LOT of these too. If I get a response, it will be a request for more information and then I can send them a synopsis or a sample chapter of my book, then they decide if they want it.

Sounds simple, but to me it also sounds like I have to send out LOTS and LOTS of letters and I will get LOTS and LOTS of rejections so this process can take a ton of time…think a year or more. My last option will be self publishing and I will have to be at the end of my rope to do that. So will keep you abreast of the situation as it happens. In the meantime, between writing letters, Iwill keep writing Mia’s Story until it’s all told.

Best case scenario, an agent likes my work, sells it to big publishing house and I get a three book deal with a major advance so I can finally have my own office/library where I can write uninterrupted. Because that and my own bathroom is really all I want in life right now!! You laugh, but really, that’s all I want. An office with a desk, bookshelves to the ceiling on most of the walls, maybe a little room off the side with plants and a view of some gardens, and then my own bathroom that I don’t have to share with my kids, a sanctuary where I can take a long bath or shower without anyone beating down the door because they have to go to the bathroom.

See, it’s the simple things in life that please me, just a little space for myself, and some quiet time and I’m good.

So that’s all for now…updates to come as things happen!!